Things I left off my résumé.

  • Efficiency: I can watch a 30-minute porn video in 2.
  • Retention: I once defeated my 2-year-old nephew in a How Many Cheerios Can You Fit in Your Mouth at Once contest 145 to 12.
  • Speed: I do speed. A lot of speed.
  • Proficiency: I have mastered the many uses of the very versatile word fuck.
  • Planning: I know on which side the Salvation Army bell-ringer stands at every grocery store within a 25-mile radius of my home, thus allowing no hesitation in determining where to park so I can avoid them.
  • Speeeeeeed.
  • Determination: I won’t stop until that 5-pount burrito is gone or I’m dead.
  • Restraint: In 10 years of Black Friday shopping, I’ve only killed six people. Two were in self-defense.
  • Speed speed speed.
  • Promptness: When I’m having sex I always finish early. If you aren’t first, you’re last!
  • Multitasking: I can poop, play Fruit Ninja and eat a cheeseburger at the same time.
  • Aptitude: I’m a know-it-all.
  • Linguistics: I love the proper use of grammar.
  • Culture: I’m a Nazi.
  • Culturally Linguistic: I’m a grammar Nazi
  • Hey man are you holding I have the need the need for SPEEEEEEEED.

Shitty gift for a kid.

A couple days ago, I was able to enjoy a day off from both of my jobs. Now, I don’t get a lot of time off, so when I do, I really like to make it count. I don’t like to sleep in or lounge around. I need to be productive! I need to get the shit done I’m not able to accomplish otherwise.

So on this day off, I was sitting with the Boss and we were making plans for the day ahead. By now, it had been two or three days since Thanksgiving, and there was nary a Christmas decoration in our apartment.

I was hoping she hadn’t noticed.

“Let’s go get some Christmas decorations!”

She fucking noticed. Continue reading

“You’ll need this when you’re older.”


They always said it. Without fail. Every year.

Pay attention! You’ll need this when you’re older!

Some bitter old teacher with blue hair, tits to her knees and perfume that smelled like you were trying to mask a dirty litter box with Febreze.

You’ll need this when you’re out in the real world!

The real world? What the Hell is this, then? The goddamned Matrix? I’ve got news for you. There is a spoon. I have a drawer full of them.

But you know what? As it turns out, teachers in grade school can’t predict the fucking future.
Continue reading

Sexiest Man Alive.

You should see what he can do with his hammer.

Congratulations to Chris Hemsworth, People‘s pick for 2014’s Sexiest Man Alive. With his superhero abs, dirty blond locks, and panty-dropping Aussie accent, it’s no surprise People would want to join the world’s women (and about 20 percent of its men) and jump his bones like they were part of a goddamned sex trampoline. Continue reading

It just got easier to watch porn on your smartphone.

I recently picked up a new smartphone and, while rifling through the settings, I came across this little gem:


As a bonus, there’s a Smart Cleaning option a couple rows down, I assume in case I miss the Kleenex.