Buttquack – buht-kwak (n):
1. Someone referring to that specific part of the buttocks, who also happens to have a speech impediment.
“He’s mooning evewyone! Wook! You can see his buttquack! Gwoss!”
2. A tiny fart.
“What was that noise? Was that a duck?”
“Nah, just a little buttquack.”
Short term goals: Poop.
Long term goals: Flush.
I’m drunk. This is what the Internet is for.
A friend recently posted on Facebook about an encounter she had with a guest while this person was dining in her section.
I’ll paraphrase, because I’m too lazy to click over and copy verbatim.
“So, what are you going to do with real life?”
Real life? What is this? The Matrix? Because I see spoons fucking everywhere. Last I checked my colleagues and I put very real food in front of your very fat and very real faces every day.
That fourth soda you’re drinking is fucking real.
That plate of Adult Onset Diabetes is fucking real.
Don’t tell me what I’m doing isn’t real life because it’s putting a roof over my head and keeping me from doing coke off a tranny hooker’s cock for money.
Your condescension is thicker than the plaque in your arteries.
I speak for every server in the industry when I say I’d love nothing more than to use my college degree for something other than kissing your ass in hopes you’ll help me make rent every month.
Enjoy your well done steak. It’s burned because you ordered it well done.
Yes I’ll get it fixed right away.
It’s been far too long.
We’ll be doing this again real soon.
Or, I Felt Like I Dropped the Proverbial Soap
When I signed up for 21st Century, I was in one hell of a Honeymoon phase. I ran to my computer immediately upon hanging up because they e-mailed me my insurance documents and cards.
They fucking sent me brand new insurance cards electronically! Who does that?! I said to myself. Not your shitty insurance company who wouldn’t give one single solitary shit if you contracted Ebola and bled out of your eyeballs and every other opening on your body until you looked like a piece of Swiss cheese someone dropped in a puddle of Heinz.
I was on Cloud 9.