1. People move really fucking fast.
Driving home on Hour 37 of being awake, I noticed something peculiar about hour people were driving or walking down the street. They were moving twice as fast as I was. I couldn’t believe my lack of sleep had opened my eyes to how much slower I’d been moving my whole life.
2. People are really angry.
I found it strange those same people who were moving with such haste around me on the road were also incredibly short-tempered. Specifically, they seemed to direct that anger and malice towards me, and I still can’t seem to put my finger on why. Sleep deprivation is an incredible tool to gain insight on peoples’ general attitude and demeanor.
And these people put the mean in demeanor. Let me tell you.
Coffee coffee coffee. Coffee coffeeeeeeeeeeeee? COFFEE. Coffee.
4. People talk a lot louder than I thought.
Another thing my sleep deprivation opened my eyes (ears, rather) to was the fact that people talk unnecessarily loud. More often than not I found myself with a splitting headache caused simply by the sounds of a person’s voice. I couldn’t believe I’d never noticed the volume at which people regularly spoke before. It’s like that all-nighter gave me superpowers.
Fucking coffee, you guys.
Okay guys I’m gonna go catch some Zs like they’re Pokemon and it’s fucking 1998.
So, it’s been a minute.
176,579(ish) minutes to be exact(ish).
A lot has happened. Nothing has changed.
Let’s tell some jokes.
And say goodbye to the robot.
Good afternoon, Jeffrey.
After careful review, we regret to inform you that your account is no longer in good standing, and immediate action is required on your part if you wish for us to not take further steps to ensure payments will be made in a timely manner. You are on notice for the following reasions:
- You have been continually late with your minimum payment for the last twelve (12) months.
- You have exceeded your credit limit multiple times.
- The things you buy (when you actually have credit available) are stupid.
- You laugh at us when we call and ask for payments.
- We received your burning paper bag of dogshit and we were not as amused as we presume you were.
Jeffrey, you can return your account to good standing by taking the following action(s)
- Set up automatic payments, ensuring you never go past your due date.
- Be mindful of your credit limit.
- Stop buying stupid shit.
- Answer your fucking phone.
- Stop sending us poop. Please.
Not making payments on your credit card is a serious matter, Jeffrey, and to show you just how serious we are, we’re increasing your credit limit from $4,000 to $5,000, just in time for the holidays! Now, you can spend even more money that you don’t actually have!
It’s a paraphrased e-mail, but this actually happened like a week ago. Discover thought it would be a good idea to ignore the fact that I can’t make payments or stop exceeding my credit line by giving me more goddamned money.
Thanks, assholes. I’m weak and it’s Christmas. More dogshit is on the way.